Monthly Archives: February 2012


Is as vile and foul a creature thats ever walked the face of this planet.  Far too often it chooses to sink it’s evil claws into the innocent and undeserving. At least you have to catch Aids, you just get cancer.  It’s the worlds worst lottery with the best odds of winning (losing actually).   (Studys vary and say anywhere from 41% to 1 out of 2 people will get it) Right now i know of at least three different people i’m connected to that cancer has inflicted its’s plague upon (to varying degrees of severity) and it’s located anywhere from the balls to the brain.


Phantom Menace 3D Review #starwars #phantommenace #episodeI #awesome

So today i finally got around to seeing The Phantom Menace 3D and i gotta say that I was pleasantly surprised by it. It was already, unquestionably, the best of the new trilogy and the 3D effect only makes it better (for the most part).  Seeing the words “Star Wars” shoot across the screen in 3D, as well as the iconic opening crawl, sets the tone right away and gives even the most cynical of fans goosebumps.  I liken it to seeing it the way it was meant to be seen.  The added depth and perspective/perception of the 3D technology almost fully immerses you into these strange, beautiful exotic new worlds that The Phantom Menace takes us too.  A phenomena that i contend would be more significant without  the incessant crinkle-crinkling and other sounds of mass consumption associated with movie theatres there to distract us.

The 3D makes the mediocre or nondescript parts of the movie good and the good parts even better.  But unfortunately it can’t do anything for the awful parts, mainly Jar-Jar Binks, and i found the opposite actually becomes true.  It makes the already bad worse because they stand out more and are thus more disappointing. To me Jar Jar Binks stills seems like he was made up by the worlds more creative autistic 3rd grader.  I wanna say to him, “nice try kid, i’m sure you’ll do better the next time.”  At one point I realized that i’d completely stopped paying attention to the movie and i was fantasizing about kicking him (JJB) in the nuts instead. Hearing kids, and even a few adults, actually laughing at his awful obvious gags made me angry to the point that I wanted to punch the adults right in their stupid faces and scream “YOU”RE RAISING CHILDREN THAT SUCK!” at them.

About 45 mins into the movie i realized that i had to pee.  Now normally, I’d hold it. I’d hold it as long as humanly possible and then some so that I A., wouldnt miss anything, and B., didn’t disturb anyone else.  But i realized that i didnt feel like doing that.  So i said to the wife “I’m going to take a leak cuz i know the next 10 mins (of the movie) are going to suck” and rationalized doing  it by saying to myself “If you mothereffer’s can laugh at Jar Jar, then i can walk across the theatre to take a wizz.”

Funny story about that, in the bathroom i laughed aloud when an Indian dude gave me a look like i was his worst case scenario personified while he was contemplating on whether or not to take his daughter into the mens room.

Darth Maul’s first appearance still gives you excited chills and he’s def hands down the most awesomest part of the new trilogy.  It’s worth the price of admission just to see him on the big screen again.  I found myself chanting his name over and over (in my head) in anticipation of his fight with Qui-Gon on Tatooine.  It also reminds you how awesome Liam Neeson is, def the second best character in the newbies.

All in all, even though i was apprehensive to throw down more money to see a movie i’ve paid to see 11x already  i am glad  i did. The 3D technology really does add a depth/texture/warmth that the original version was missing.  It makes the unspectacular or nondescript scenes much more vibrant and entertaining without detracting from anything in any way and is a must see for Star Wars fans of any level.

Below are some more thoughts/observations.

-Note to parents: It’s not ok to let your stupid kids wear sneakers with blinking lights to the movies.   I’ll spare you the violent details of the things i wanted to do to them (the parents that is, not the kids).

-I still say the most important lesson Episode I teaches us is “No pod is worth two slaves, not by a longshot.”

-Speaking of Watto, he was all the comic relief the movie needed.  He was terribly-awful in a humorous way.  “Aah yes, Nubian.” I still quote that line.

-When Obi-Wan says to Qui-Gon “Why do I get the feeling that we’ve picked up another pathetic life form?” in regards to Anakin, i said to myself  “well that’s not very Jedi-like of him.” And i was instantly reminded of the first thing my Dad said after seeing the new movies, and i quote, “maybe if Obi-Wan wasn’t such a prick there wouldn’ta  been a Darth Vader.”

-I found myself cheering for the Droid Army to slaughter as many gungans as possible during the Battle of Naboo.

-The 3D graphics give CGI characters like Nute Gunray a realistic texture that makes them more believable then characters played by actual humans, like Hugh Quarshie aka Captain Panaka.

-BTW how lame was Queen Amidala’s “Royal Guard” anyway?  She was the only one of them that could shoot straight.

-I know this might fall under the category of nit-picking, but two things: 1 How come R2 knows more about pod racing then C3PO when R2 just got to Tatooine but he (3P0) was from there? 2, Where was Obi-Wan’s super Jedi speed when Qui-Gon was taking Darth Maul 1 on 1 on Naboo? ( Like when he was running away from the Droidekas earlier in the movie?)

-Who’s cameo was awesomer, Warrick Davis or Bib Fortuna? (I vote for Willow)

-I found myself snarling at the screen when Jar-jar ruins R2D2’s first scene because he has to bump into him.  Alternatively I found myself grinning like an idiot when i heard “Duel of the Fates” start.

-The Trade Federation are still unmistakably obviously supposed to be Asians.

-On a personal note, it was nice to be able to fit comfortably in the movie chair. If you’re 325+ do yourself a favor and lose some of the weight, it really does make a big difference. Don’t think of big numbers and get intimidated, set real world goals for yourself like being able to sit comfortably at the movies for instance and take it from there .  My next one is to be able to be able to fit nicely in an airplane seat for my buddy’s wedding out in Colorado.

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R.I.P Jackie Treehorn #lebowski #awesome #caucasians

He mixed a hell of a caucasion. ,

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Kurt Russell is Underrated

It’s time for Kurt Russell to officially be recognized as one of (movie) history’s all-time most awesome bad-asses. It goes like this, 1. Clint Eastwood  2. John Wayne  3. Bruce Lee 4. Chuck Norris 5. Kurt Russell.  I don’t think that Kurt Russell thinks that there’s a problem he can’t talk or punch his way out of.  And I agree with him.

Forget about Snake Plissken (Escape From NY), Jack Burton (Big Trouble in Little China) and MacReady (The Thing, one of the most underrated movies of all time in it’s own right), look no further then Dean Proffitt for definitive proof of his awesomeness.  He not only makes the movie “Overboard” watchable, but it’s downright entertaining.  He’s the most awesome bad father ever. 

Dean Proffitt is a handyman jack of all trades type raising 4 boys on his own and does a damn well good job of it too, if I do say so myself.  Sure, his sons might openly read pornography right in front of him and one of them talks almost exclusively in a Pee-Wee Herman voice (awesome and awesome) but he still makes sure they get on the bus every morning with something for lunch, even if it’s Oreos. 

He also geniusly tricks some stuck up rich bitch who stiffed him out of $600 into cleaning up his shitty house and taking care of his lunatic kids while he goes out bowling and getting wrecked on Miller High Lifes (The Champagne of Beer, also awesome).  And if all that wasn’t enough to convince you, he also has the most awesome get rich quick idea ever:  open a mini golf course.  And it works!  He actually dupes a buncha’ Asians into investing in it by getting them drunk, being awesome and showing them some shitty drawings that Goldie Hawn made. As I type this I’m watching “Soldier”, and he’s so bad-ass in it that he actually has his name  tattooed on his face.  I’m sorry but you have to admit thats fucking cool. 

Seriously though, if you’e still not on board by now here are some irrefutable facts: Tango sucked, Cash was awesome, his “I’m real” was the best line in “Vanilla Sky” and when you think of Wyatt Earp you picture him, not Kevin Costner.  So here’s to you Kurt Russell, may you finally get the recognition you deserve and go down in the books as one of the most awesome bad-asses in the history of modern cinema!

L.O.T.R. Return of the King

The other day I was watching T.R.O.T.K. and noticed that this orc bears an uncanny resemblance to that of Darth Maul.  Given the fact that the first words to appear before every Star Wars movie are ” A long time ago…”, is it possible that before Darth Maul became the baddest motherfucker in the galaxy he made his bones on Middle Earth as one of the Dark Lord Sauron’s minions?  I say it is, even a Sith has to start somewhere. That “For Frodo!” line still gets me every time.Image




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